It's been a while...

I believe my last post was about 5 months ago. And since then, I have fell off the horse and gained all the weight I have lost. I'm back up to 192, and am desperately getting back on the horse. A lot has happened in those 5 months; work, getting back into school, religion, art, etc. With my health going on the back burner for so long, I feel awful. Disgusting even, and frustrated with myself. I do this cycle all the time, and I have tried all kinds of ways to stay motivated and not fall off the horse. I've tried paying a gym membership, visually tracking pounds I've lost, rewards, just about everything you can think of, and I still fall off. I thought with all the health news/scares I received in February, it would be motivation enough to keep up with fitness and health. Apparently, it wasn't. 

My PCOS is still present, and now I'm at risk for cervical cancer. I'll be hearing about my results in a couple of weeks, so I'll update then on the topic. Acquiring the knowledge for my health, and falling off track (way off), I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Especially with my frustrations of not being successful, and my impatience with working towards that success. It's to a point where you could either get way worse and not care about your life anymore, or finally put on those running shoes and begin to walk towards better health. 

It's weird how about a year and a half ago, I had more motivation to loose weight (I dropped down from 215+ to about 175) because I was being vain. It was all about, looking amazing since I was newly single. Now, I'm not single (although I met my boyfriend at that 170 weight range), but have legit health reasons to loose weight and little motivation. I don't get it. 

I had a recent conversation with my mother about this very problem of mine. Her response was that I have commitment issues. This led to a bit of an argument, cause how could she say that?! I'm super committed; to my boyfriend, my job, commitment doesn't scare me! But the more I think about it, the more I see her point. I have a problem with committing to myself. I treat myself, like that douche bag boyfriend I had years ago treated me. I put myself down, I cheat on myself, I manipulate myself for the worse, and am lazy in the relationship. This is awful, this is an epidemic! Now I don't know if this past relationship was the cause for this cycle (even the serious yo-yo weight happened around that time), because I've had self esteem issues since years before him. But maybe, the self-esteem issues, douche-bag ex, combined with a need for validation from the opposite sex are the reasons why I have commitment issues with myself? I say I'm loosing weight for me, but now that I think about it, was I really? 

This recent revelation has caused me too look for more reading materials and posts on the subject of committing to oneself. How do you commit to yourself? What does committing to yourself mean for you? What does that entail? Where else do you get your motivation from? What tips do you have for those who are lacking in healthy motivation? These are questions I'm trying to answer and maybe your two cents can help. 

I look forward to reading what you all have to say. And here's to working on the relationship with ourselves.  

Tati